Look, people… stop being afraid to say what you’re thinking, … what you really feel!

When she asks you “does my bum look big in this?”, don’t be afraid to say “yes, but that’s because you’ve got a big arse, love;- it’d look big in anything, you know?” (and possibly tack on “of course, you know I like it that way…”)

When she asks “do you like my new haircut?”, don’t be afraid to say “no, it makes you look like a lesbian. I used to think that lesbians were hot, but you just arsed that one up for me, didn’t you? Nice one, thanks! … Oh, I’m being sarcastic by the way. Had to tell you that, as girls don’t recognise sarcasm. Y’know,… just like Americans”.

And if she ENDLESSLY asks you about turning that engagement into a marriage, when the debts are going to be cleared, when you’re going to “make good on that commitment”, because Christ she’s been waiting forever – starting about a week after you put the fucking ring on her finger, … then run… run now and run very fast.

That’s all the advice my drink-addled mind can currently give. Why I feel the need to give advice right now, I don’t know. And by the way – DO, please note that my advice right now is probably worth precisely fuck-all

I’d kill for a pack of cigarettes. I’d do bad stuff for just one.

Ain’t gonna happen though!